Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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