My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
