I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
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Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
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Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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