Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
