When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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