what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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