it wasn't lemon gatorade
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
