just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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