i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
