When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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