I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
