I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
