he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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