Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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