this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
