So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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