I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
