Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
