Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
