we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
