Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
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