worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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