I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
