You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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