Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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