You really coming over, don't trick.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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