dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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