i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
