She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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