this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
