I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
