there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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