dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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