oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Randomize
