There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
