Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
