I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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