my vag is so smooth its legendary
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
