is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
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