New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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