im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
