woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
