Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
