i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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