that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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