i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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