I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Randomize
