Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
