I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
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two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
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