I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
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