Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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