cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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