and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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