I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
