I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
you are never too drunk for berry picking
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
