just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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