No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Let's paint friendship bongs
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
