she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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