You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
